Health: Loneliness Kills. Fundamentals For Strong Social Connections.

Are our busy lives sending us on a path to loneliness? Social connections matter more than we think.

Loneliness is as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Loneliness kills.

This hits hard. I read this in the US surgeon general’s advisory on the loneliness epidemic.

As a child I was labelled a loner. Shy, unathletic, and of a different skin color from classmates, I had a hard time fitting in. Rather than try to make friends, I leaned into the loner label. I didn’t need friends. I took up solitary hobbies. I went for long bike rides on my own. I played video games myself.

But who was I kidding. It was uncomfortable. I didn’t like it. In freshman year high school, at lunch I’d sit alone in front of my next classroom. I didn’t want people to see me alone in the cafeteria. I wanted friends.

In adulthood, I made friends. I stepped away from the loner label. I’m grateful for the friendships I’ve formed.

The surgeon general’s warning didn’t just surface reminders of my solitary earlier years. It sparked fear of a lonely future. (I wrote about the fear of loneliness and it’s effect on my social ability here)

The rush of life has side effects. Our commitments to work, family, and personal responsibilities overshadow social interactions. People move. We get busy and forget to reply to messages. Coordination of a meet up is difficult enough we lose steam to meet. Connections fade.

We’re on a slow path to wake up lonely. Or perhaps we’re already there.

We know social connections are important. We only have to experience loneliness to understand our need for connection.

I dug into what it means to have strong social connections. What are the pieces that make a strong social connection? I had somehow made social connections, what went into that?

When do we feel lonely?

We’re wired to expect proximity to others. Humans need social connections. We falter when we don’t have it. We flourish when we do.

We feel lonely when we’re deficient in our social connections. Loneliness is the distress felt when there’s a gap in the level of social connection we need and the level we feel we have. It’s a subjective experience. We each have our own levels of need and perception of social connection.

How much does social connection matter?

Loneliness is our body’s signal we need social connection. It’s a natural response, like when we feel tired or hungry. Like tiredness or hunger, loneliness is a useful signal. The harm occurs when the signals become chronic.

Chronic loneliness harms in several ways. It harms our physical health. We are at higher risk of heart disease and stroke. It harms our mental health. We increase our cognitive decline and risk of depression. Short term, we feel crappy. Long term, we die sooner.¹

But social connection and loneliness occur on a spectrum. We don’t just feel either lonely or happily socially connected. We feel levels of connectedness. The absence of loneliness does not mean we have strong social connections.

Strong social connectedness is a significant predictor into longevity and better functioning. We regulate our emotions better. We’re more creative. We think clearer. We have stronger self-esteem.

Whether we motivate with a prevention focus to avoid negatives or a promotion focus to seek positives, social connections are vital. (Read more about self motivation via prevention and promotion focus here)

What are strong social connections?

In the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic lockdowns I was isolated in my 500 square foot apartment. IRL human interaction would be my lunch pick up from a restaurant. While we all kept six feet away and masked up. It was weird. Yet I didn’t feel lonely.

We can be alone yet feel strongly connected. We can be surrounded by people and feel lonely. The nature and quality of social connections matters.

Strong social connections are when we have connections that support our social needs - both in function and quality of the connection. We need people to help us do stuff (e.g. assistance and advice) and we need to feel good from the connection (e.g. have fun, feel seen).

We feel we have close positive relationships with others. We can count on others.

Spending time virtually during lockdowns. Thank you all.

How to have strong social connections

“What’s the difference between pancake and waffle batter”

I used to ask this question to people I’d meet. It was a random shower thought I used as a conversation starter. When I was learning to be more social, I read advice on how to start conversations, how to be funny, or more generally, how to talk to people.

The advice wasn’t wrong. But it didn’t really do much. Like a social media how-to video, the advice was catchy and straightforward. And like the video for a 20 minute weeknight dinner that ends up with 2 hours of prep, it’s not useful information.

Strong social connections go beyond just talking to people. We can be around colleagues daily or have friends for years, but it doesn’t mean we form strong social connections.

Here’s what we can do to create strong social connections:

• Be real

• Be kind

• Be of value

• Spend the time

These are an amalgamation of the research on social connections and my own experiences.

Real, Kind, Value, Time.

Be Real

We have various facades in our daily lives. It’s necessary. Societal norms and our aspirations guide what we show. But we get caught up. We end up acting more who we think we than living who we are. We worry about the judgement from others. We worry about being vulnerable.

We’re all doing the same thing. We’re diverse yet similar. When we’re honest, vulnerable, and authentic, we add depth to our being. We invite others to do the same.

The level we share varies with the situation, our character, and the strength of the connection. What’s important is to get out of our ego and into who we are. We can start with the first small steps to show more of ourselves around others.

Front less.

Be Kind

Less judgement, more compassion. To others, to ourselves.

As life progresses, we seem to fade our openness and strengthen our conviction. We become experts and bestow our judgement on the world. We judge ourselves and judge others. We find fault. Our conviction drives us to win, a lot. (I wrote about the harm of winning too much here)

Rather, flip towards curiosity and compassion. Curiosity leads us to listen to what other’s say. Compassion lets us see other’s perspective. We’re able to respect each other. We find appreciation for others. We communicate gratitude not judgement.

Be of Value

Share our value. Or find ways to be valuable.

In grad school, I became obsessed with creating a fun memorable environment for my classmates. It came from my own insecurities. I didn’t feel smart enough to belong, so I’d be the fun party person. Looking back, the efforts laid the groundwork for strong social connections long after graduation.

Value covers a lot of options. Value can be a fun dinner guest, or a friend during a breakup, or an extra pair of hands. When we’re of service to others, we re-affirm our value to ourselves. It shifts our focus away from ourselves to others. We increase our well-being and we connect stronger.

When we’re of value, without expectations to others, we start a positive feedback loop. We give value out of kindness and receive value out of gratitude.

Spend the Time

Social connections are leaky buckets. If we don’t top off our well of connection, our connections slowly drain away.

We have to spend time with our connections. We have to do it consistently. Make the time - respond to others and reach out to others. Value the time - be present and experience the time together. Put our phones away.

We don’t just share fun or exciting times. It’s about spending time in any type of experience - good or bad.

And therefore what?

I know the ideas presented aren’t easy. We might not have friends to start with. None of this may feel natural to do. There are a lot of pieces to address. We don’t have the time.

But our life depends on social connections. If not for ourselves, we’re helping anyone we connect with. It’s a double win activity.

I wanted to sum all ideas in a single statement. A singular piece of information to implement. I came up with “be a good human.” I didn’t like that as a statement to follow. It doesn’t tell me what to do. But I like it as a outcome of the ideas.

If we’re real, kind, of value, and spend the time, we end up with stronger social connections. We live longer and healthier. And we end up as better humans.

If there’s one thing I think we can strive for in our lives, and helps us impact the world, it’d be to a better human.

That’s a pretty great outcome.

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References

General, US Surgeon. "Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation." The US Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community 2023 (2023).

Holt-Lunstad, Julianne, Timothy B. Smith, and J. Bradley Layton. "Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review." PLoS medicine 7.7 (2010): e1000316.

Holt-Lunstad, Julianne. "The major health implications of social connection." Current Directions in Psychological Science 30.3 (2021): 251-259.

Seppala, Emma, Timothy Rossomando, and James R. Doty. "Social connection and compassion: Important predictors of health and well-being." Social Research: An International Quarterly 80.2 (2013): 411-430.

1. How does loneliness kill? It’s a stress event to our bodies. Physically, chronic loneliness leads to chronic inflammation. We increase strain on our bodies. Mentally, we experience worse and more extreme emotions. It leads to behaviors that cause us to decline and die earlier.