Mental Models: From Envy to Inspiration
How to turn social comparison into a force for good
I was excited. Yet I seethed with envy.
A friend had pulled up in their new car. It was a new BMW M3 (a faster, sexier car than mine). My car was no longer the exciting sports car I thought it to be. It suddenly seemed mundane. When I got home, I searched craigslist for a new car.
I examined our perilous cycle of more in my last post. Our enjoyment of what we have decreases as we get accustomed to it. But there’s more to the story.
My enjoyment of what I had went down when I saw others with better than me.
Thought I had a nice home? It was nice. Until I visited a friend’s home with the glorious view. Thought I was funny? I was funny. Until I went to a party and another guest dazzled with their wit and humor.
Why did I feel worse with other’s good position?
Social comparison, when we look at others and compare ourselves to them, is fundamental to humans. We look to others to understand ourselves and our world. I can only know myself to be funny (or not funny) because of how funny I compare those around me, and whether others think I'm funny or not. Who we are is relative to others.
Social media has amplified social comparisons. Superficial joy and quiet envy abounds as people post the wonders of their world for all to see.
I took a dive into how we operate. Instead of sending ourselves into downward negative states, we can send ourselves upward. To not only accomplish more, but to also improve our wellbeing.
Two ways we compare ourselves to others
We compare ourselves with others in two ways: 1) Upward, we look at those in more desirable positions than us, 2) Downward, we look at those in less desirable positions than us.
Crucially, there are positive and negative emotional effects within each type of comparison. We can feel emotions that compel us to detract or to enhance ourselves.
1) Upward Comparison - Those better off than us
Our friend with the Insta-spectacular vacation. A colleague with a promotion. Upward comparison is when we compare ourselves to those we perceive to be in a better position than us.
How does it feel when we see other’s success? Ostensibly, we talk about the joy we feel for others. Strangely, we can feel the opposite - we may feel disappointed in ourselves, less motivated, and perhaps even twinges of envy.
The positive side of upward comparison is admiration and inspiration. We feel optimism that fuels us to reach what others have.
Why do we feel bad when others succeed?
The unpleasant feelings from other's success come from the discomfort when someone has something we lack. Or we feel what we have is devalued or threatened by others. Our self-esteem and feelings of status become vulnerable.1 We may feel disappointed in what we don't have or haven't accomplished.
2) Downward Comparison - Those worse off than us
We’re the ones who got the brag-worthy new job. Or perhaps we’re #blessed with reservations to the hot new restaurant. We can feel prideful and self confident when we compare to others who don’t have what we have. A more negative effect of downward comparison occurs when people compare with disrespect. Contempt and scorn is lambasted towards others. The homeless are often targets of contempt.
However, on the positive side of downward comparison, we can feel gratitude for what we have. Or compassion for what others don’t have.
How to think better when we compare
How do we move towards positive effects of social comparison? Here are some ways:
Lean into a growth mindset
"If I was born rich and privileged, I'd have success like them." We get envious and jealous when we believe we don’t have the ability nor control to achieve what others have.2 Without control over the outcome, we see unfairness in the success of others.
Rather, if we believe success is achievable and deserved, we look at those in desirable positions with admiration and inspiration. A growth mindset enables us to believe we can grow in our abilities. With the possibility of growth, we want to raise ourselves up to others. Rather than desire for others to stumble down (envy is a source of schadenfreude).
“You can’t be who you can’t see” - Adam Grant
Define what defines us
I viewed myself as a "car guy." I cared about fun cars and the stylish image that comes with cool cars. The more we relate something to our self-identity, the more we are affected by social comparisons.3 The relevance of cars to my self image led me to stronger emotions with social comparison. This is an issue when we care and compare in areas that are not important at a broader level. Especially when the cost to keep up harm us.
Rather than define myself as a cool car guy, I’m better to define myself as a hardworking individual. I’d seek to raise my self-worth via hard work. Not by the horsepower of a car.
Rethink "What might've been"
McKayla Maroney’s disinterested smirk shocked the world. McKayla had just won a silver medal at the Olympics. However, a photograph captured her looking unimpressed with the astounding achievement.
If we experience a suboptimal outcome, our minds think of what might've been - known as the counterfactual. Silver medalists have experienced disappointment while bronze medalists experienced happiness. Silver medalists compare to gold medalists and think about how they missed their goal. Bronze medalists tend to compare themselves to those who didn't win a medal.4
When we can see our experiences as fortunate rather than disappointment, we become happier with what we have.
Experience gratitude for what is, not displeasure for what isn’t.
What if I’m the one who is envied?
Envy can lead to ill feelings and malicious action towards the fortunate and successful. Gossip, backstabbing, or worse can flare up. Nobody wants to be the target of malicious envy. How we act has large effect on how others feel towards us.
Check your hubris
Arrogance and smugness lead others to be malicious with their envy. Hubristic pride flaunts the difference between the fortunate and less fortunate. Rather, act with confidence and feelings of productivity, known as authentic pride, to inspire admiration from others.
Be warm
Warmth in character shifts other’s feelings from envy towards admiration.5 Warmth entails traits such as good-natured, trust worthy, friendly, sincere, understanding.
..And therefore what?
We’re always going to compare to those around us. But we don’t have to concede to harmful feelings.
Compare to those more fortunate from a lens of admiration and inspired action. We fuel action to improve ourselves.
Compare to those less fortunate from a lens of gratitude and kindness. We act with warmth and humility.
Think different to feel different. Change how we feel to change how we act.
We can reach sustainable success. Success rooted in confidence and gratitude. Success that’s healthy for us. And healthy for others.
Tesser, Abraham, and James E. Collins. "Emotion in social reflection and comparison situations: intuitive, systematic, and exploratory approaches." Journal of personality and social psychology 55.5 (1988): 695.
Smith, Richard H., and Sung Hee Kim. "Comprehending envy." Psychological bulletin 133.1 (2007): 46.
van de Ven, Niels, and Marcel Zeelenberg. "Envy and social comparison." Social comparison in judgment and behavior (2020): 223-247.
Festinger, Leon. "A theory of social comparison processes." Human relations 7.2 (1954): 117-140.
Medvec, Victoria Husted, Scott F. Madey, and Thomas Gilovich. "When less is more: counterfactual thinking and satisfaction among Olympic medalists." Journal of personality and social psychology 69.4 (1995): 603.
Fiske, Susan T., et al. "A model of (often mixed) stereotype content: competence and warmth respectively follow from perceived status and competition." Journal of personality and social psychology 82.6 (2002): 878.
Comparison is the thief of joy.